I never really had the chance to explore dating women. My past relationships have mostly been with men, but not for lack of interest, just lack of opportunity. So when I finally turned to dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and even HER), excited to meet women, I thought I’d be opening the door to a whole new world of potential soulmates.
What I wasn’t prepared for was how complicated that door would be to walk through.
Dating men came with its own set of challenges (some of which I’d already braced myself for), but dating women? That turned out to be a whole new kettle of fish. While facing stereotypes from every possible angle, I quickly realized that finding the right match as a bisexual woman wasn’t going to be easy.
Overfetishism
Let’s start with the men. I’d say I’m particularly picky when it comes to men on dating apps, so if I like the look of someone enough to swipe – it’s a big deal. IT’S A MATCH – I’m notified by Hinge. Great!
There’s a picture of him hugging his Golden Retriever, with the prompt: ‘Looking for a second person to tell my dog fetch is a two-way game’ – funny, innocent and animal lover, my ideal type.
I reply with: ‘Wait, fetch is a two-way game? Clearly, my dog never got that memo either.’
We then go back and forth about our pet’s silly traits, as well as slowly asking more personal questions.
Then here comes the classic question: “So what are you looking for on here?”
This guy seems genuine, so I go on to tell him that I’m bisexual and open to dating both men and women—but I’m ultimately looking for something meaningful.
His response? A predictable yet disappointing:
“Ohhh, would you ever be down for a threesome?”
Sigh, block, and back to the drawing board. I wish I could say that I’m shocked, but honestly, the second I open up about my sexuality it’s incredibly common for the conversation to shift from playful banter to fantasies.
Sometimes I choose to ignore their initial comment and give them the benefit of the doubt, telling them I’m not interested in that kind of thing before I’m hit with “Yeah but, have you ever had one?”
Every time this happens, I shut the app, take a deep breath, briefly wish I were only attracted to women, and switch my profile settings to ‘women only’.
Fear of the ‘bi-curious’
If dating men on apps comes with over-fetishisation and assumptions, dating women is a whole other bag of potatoes. One of the biggest? The fear that I’m just experimenting.
I stumble across a girl on Bumble who ticks every box. Tattoos, funny yet endearingly honest prompts about her flaws and looks very similar to Daenerys Targaryen – I’m sold.
Once we match, I pop up to her to ask if she’s aware of her similarities to the famous Emelia Clarke, and just like that we get on like a house on fire, chatting away, sharing stories and planning on meeting in person.
Except, as soon as we come onto the topic of sexuality and previous relationships, the house that was previously on fire is now burning down and no fire brigade is going to save it.
“So, have you been with many women before?”
It would be wrong to lie, so I reply with: “No I haven’t, but I’ve known that I’m bisexual for a long time and have come on these dating apps as meeting women in person is impossible!”
An hour goes by, and no answer. Until eventually:
“Are you just looking for a woman to experiment with?”
And just like that, the house stops burning and is just a pile of ashes on the ground. She goes on to tell me that she was previously in a relationship with a bisexual girl, and it ended horribly because she cheated on her with a man, causing her to swear off us ‘Bi-girls’ forever.
In a way, I understand it because it’s difficult to prove that you’re actually into women if you’ve never been with a woman before – which, when you think about it, is a bit of a ‘chicken and the egg’ situation.
