Dating apps are meant to bring people together. In reality, they mostly just bring me face-to-face with my own standards and a never-ending queue of men who all seem to think that holding a pint and declaring their love of “food” counts as a personality. So here they are:
My top 7 instant-left-swipe pet peeves
1. The Group Photo Mystery Tour
I didn’t download this app to play Guess Who, but here we are.
Nothing like a blurry photo of four lads in rugby team jerseys sitting in a pub to get the heart racing. Which one are you? The one double-fisting pints or the one half-obscured by a chicken wing?
And why is every photo a group photo—do you come as a package deal? Give me one clear, solo photo so I know who to thank—or blame—when we meet and I realize you’re the one I mentally ruled out three swipes ago.
2. The Serial Smoulder
Look, I appreciate a brooding selfie as much as the next woman. But if your entire profile is just a string of unsmiling, dead-eyed portraits, I’m going to assume you’re either emotionally repressed or one bad day away from becoming a true crime documentary.
Smiling isn’t a weakness. It doesn’t mean you’re not mysterious. It just means you look like someone who might actually enjoy life.
3. The Pint Ambassador
One photo with a beer? Grand. Two? Okay, you’re social. But if every photo includes a pint, a wine glass, or a cocktail in hand, are you dating or auditioning for an alcohol sponsorship?
It’s not that I’m teetotal. I love a glass of red and a tipsy chat. But if you’ve made alcohol your entire identity, I’m going to assume sober conversations aren’t your strong point.
4. Sound Girl for Sound Man
Ah yes. The infamous “sound girl.” She’s chill, effortlessly cool, and doesn’t exist. “Sound” in Irish parlance means… nice? Unbothered? Not too serious about herself?
Men love to throw this term in without realizing how vague and performative it sounds. Are you after someone who can regulate their emotions or just someone who won’t call you out when you disappear for four days? Because those are very different categories.
5. The Foodman
“I’m really into food.” Amazing. Me too. Also: everyone else. Food is not a niche interest. You have to eat to survive. So unless you’re growing your own sourdough starter or moonlighting as a chef, please elaborate.
Do you like Thai? Can you cook a risotto without Googling it? Do you have strong opinions on garlic? Give me something. Otherwise, saying you love food is like saying you enjoy breathing.
6. The Aspiring Traveller
You’ve got the guy who lists “travel more” under goals, but nothing in his profile suggests he’s been anywhere further than Galway. “I really want to see the world,” he writes, standing beside the Ha’penny Bridge.
Look, I love travel too. But “more” is not a destination. More than what? One trip to Spain last year? An idea you had while scrolling Instagram travel reels during your lunch break? If your dream is to travel, I’d like to see some evidence that you own a suitcase.
7. The Pineapple-on-Pizza Provocateur
Ah, the men who still think this is a controversial opinion. “Unpopular opinion: pineapple belongs on pizza.” My God, how brave. The courage. The nuance. Truly a man of strong convictions. I feel like together we could start a revolution!
It’s not edgy, it’s not deep, and it’s not the hill anyone needs to die on. If your boldest take is that sweet fruit and salty meat taste good together, I’m going to guess your emotional range is… thin crust. If that’s the most divisive thing about you, I’m already asleep.
Honorable Mention: The Misogynist
I beg your pardon?
It’s giving: “I’m attracted to women, but I don’t respect them.”
Which is, unfortunately, not rare, and part of a much bigger cultural issue we don’t have the time to unpack here. But let’s just say: if your romantic strategy starts with “prove me wrong,” you’re not looking for a partner—you’re looking for someone to mother your unprocessed resentment. And I am not applying for that job.
Get help. Before you download a dating app, get help.
Final Thoughts from the Scroll Spiral
Naturally, these are taken out of context, and I fully believe there are good men out there. Somewhere.
What I think is worth naming is the staggering level of vagueness, emotional deflection, and lack of self-awareness on display across the majority of male dating profiles. Not malicious, just… avoidant. Like they’re afraid of being seen, or of saying too much and accidentally revealing they have feelings.
I’m not trying to be mean. I’m just tired of the bare minimum being marketed like it’s premium stock. A clear photo. A smile. A little depth. A personality that isn’t just “likes food.” It’s not asking for fireworks.
