Nearly 80% of adults have sent or received a sexually explicit message, yet most of us still feel like we’re fumbling in the dark when it comes to crafting the perfect sext. The truth? There’s definitely a right way and a wrong way to slide into someone’s DMs.
Sexting is a form of communication and therefore – as with mastering any language – there’s an art to it. There are also several things to consider when it comes to consent, privacy and online safety. You don’t want your fun to make someone else feel uncomfortable, or to find yourself in an awkward situation, so being mindful, compassionate and self aware is just as important as feeling fired up and flirty.
Some of the best sexts I’ve ever received weren’t actually that explicit. They asked leading questions like, “what would you do if I walked into the room?” or simply said something like, “I’m thinking about you right now.” If you’re nervous about getting it wrong, it’s easy to think that you need to be a wordsmith, a smooth talker or to know a lot about sex. This simply isn’t true.
The beauty of sexting is that it’s an exchange, a two-way street and a chance to express yourself. You can make your messages as raunchy as you’d like, but often the best thing to do is to go slowly, suggestively and allow your partner to express themself too.
I spoke with a sexologist and intimacy coach to find out how to sext, what makes a perfect message and how to build confidence and master the art of the spicy message. Here’s what she had to say…
Ask for consent
If you’re thinking of sending someone a spicy message, always check that it’s okay to do so first. And under no circumstances, ever send an unsolicited nude. At the worst this is considered to be a digital form of assault, and in the best case scenario, you’ll just shock someone and put them off. I’ve received explicit messages first thing in the morning, while I was at work, or while I was with my family that turned me off the person I’d previously been interested in. They self sabotaged because they failed to check in first. You always want to check the temperature before you dive in.
“People often assume that asking for consent isn’t sexy, but that just shows that these people don’t really understand consent,” says sexologist and intimacy coach Emilie Lavinia. “Asking someone what they would like is one of the most sexually charged things you can do. So if you want to send someone a sexy message, make the first one a question. This shows a willingness to listen and respond, demonstrates a baseline level of respect and helps gauge if the person you’re texting is actually available and wants to receive an erotic message or image.”
If you’re sexting someone for the first time, you might also want to agree that you will safely and privately store or delete any messages and images you receive. Some people prefer that images or messages aren’t saved or prefer to send disappearing messages or use specific platforms to ensure online privacy. Sexting is fun, but it can also make a person feel vulnerable so make sure you’re on the same page when it comes to the specifics.
Start off light
You’re painting a picture so set the scene. No good story ever started at the end. Start by describing and asking questions, really get the creative juices flowing so that you have a great foundation to build on. The better the foundation, the more scope you have to get hotter and heavier as you go on.
“It’s always a great idea to describe a scenario first to pique your partner’s interest and then ask if they want to hear more. Offer them an opportunity to join you in the world you’re creating” suggests Emilie Lavinia. “You might try saying something like, “It’s so hot today. Imagine we were at the beach just soaking up the sun. You’d be looking like a 10/10 in a bikini and we’d be totally alone just enjoying the sound of the waves. Would you like that?’ This isn’t explicitly sexual but it sets the scene and creates an opportunity for consent and for things to get spicier.”
Ask questions
Remember that sexting requires two or more people. It’s a back and forth and so asking questions is essential. Put the ball in their court by asking something. This is also essential for consent and it keeps the conversation flowing. It will also help you to determine what your partner likes and what they dislike.
Emilie Lavinia explains that, “asking questions signals to your partner that you value their input and you’re keen to find out what they like. It shows that you consider their fantasies equal to your own and helps to establish whether they might prefer to take the lead, or allow you to do so.”
You can also check in and ask whether they’re enjoying you asking questions or whether they’d prefer you to tell them more about your own fantasy. Sometimes a simple check in question can open the door to a scenario in which everyone feels comfortable to let loose and be creative – which can lead to some of the best sexting exchanges imaginable.
Mirror their language
Language is important when sexting. Some people prefer explicit descriptions, others prefer metaphor, subtext and double entendres. If you’ve noticed your partner isn’t one for swearing or prefers to use euphemisms, match their tone to make them feel more comfortable. Dirty talk can feel jarring, especially when you move from pleasantries into hardcore exchanges so try to meet your partner where they are with the language that you use.
“Everyone is different when it comes to the language they’re comfortable with. Something as simple as using the word ‘pussy’ instead of ‘vulva’ or vice versa can give someone the ick so be mindful of the language your sexting parter uses. We don’t always get this right, but mirroring language is a good way to help one another feel relaxed, understood and like everyone is on the same page,” says Lavinia.
Tease
Giving everything away at once defeats the object of sexting. If you just send a dick pic with no context, that’s unlikely to float many people’s boats and also sidesteps consent. Instead, tease your partner with the possibility that you might send something and get them in the mood by sending a few sexy warm up messages to turn them on.
“Delayed gratification ramps up desire,” explains Lavinia. “A bit of teasing can be a key sexual motivator for us as humans because anticipation stokes our overall enjoyment. You might choose to tease your partner with sexts across the space of a few minutes, or you could drip feed your back and forth over several days. This kind of consensual power play can light up the brain in ways that feel incredibly exciting and make the climax far more intense,” she adds.
Have fun
Ultimately, the exchange of sexy messages should be fun and shouldn’t be a source of anxiety. If someone is pestering you to send them sexual content of any kind and you don’t want to, set clear boundaries. If they don’t respect those boundaries, consider blocking and reporting them. Equally, if you’re feeling anxious about sending something because you don’t feel you can trust the person you’re sending a message to to keep it private, don’t send it.
“Sexting is common but that doesn’t mean you should ever feel you have to do it if you don’t want to. Other people doing something is not a justification for you doing it too. Only do what you feel comfortable with and consider what your personal boundaries are,” explains Lavinia.
“If you’re concerned about safety and privacy on your own devices, consider using password protected photo folders, storage apps disguised as other apps. The most important thing to help you relax and have fun is feeling safe, so be careful and enjoy yourself,” she adds.
