As a 28 year-old living in London, when I first started using dating apps it seemed like a whole new world of possibility had opened up to me. It was easy to match with and chat with anyone in the city where I lived. However, because I’d never used dating apps before, I was inexperienced at spotting red flags.
These days, there are things we can all identify as being suspicious when we’re dating online. Lack of information on a profile, vagueness around personal details, heavy use of filters and an unwillingness to share social media profiles are just some of them.
But back then, I didn’t realise that an unverified profile meant that someone might be a catfish or that you should ask someone what they’re looking for fairly early on – especially before you meet up with them.
It was summer and I’d matched with a guy who seemed like my dream partner. He looked handsome in his photos, he was funny and engaging when we spoke and showered me with compliments. He was a lawyer and worked in central London but after a few days of chatting we’d agreed to meet for a drink in Soho.
I chose a cocktail bar with a relaxed vibe and waited on a luxurious velvet seat for my date to arrive. The man who walked in was recognisable but not at all like the man in the photos I’d seen. He looked about twenty years older than the guy in the photos. He was also incredibly sweaty. Sure, it was a summer’s evening but this man looked wet to the touch.
He apologised for being a little late and asked what I’d like to drink. I selected a cocktail and attempted to stay calm and see where the conversation might lead. Would he mention that he was older than his photos suggested? Would he explain why he looked like he’d just run a marathon?
When we hugged he smelled strongly of alcohol.
“Have you already been drinking?” I asked.
“Dutch courage,” he replied.
“I wouldn’t have thought someone of your years would need it,” I said. Testing the waters.
He motioned for me to take a seat and sat down opposite me, leaning right over the table as though he might tell me a secret. He apologised for using old photos and said that all his recent ones weren’t suitable because his wife was with him in all of them. I was shocked and attempted to retain my composure.
“You’re married?” I asked. His profile had said single and there was no indication at all that he had a wife.
“Separated? Newly divorced? Windowed?” I said?
He told me he was happily married but that he and his wife had wanted to try something new. They wanted to try dating as a couple and were looking for a young woman who might be interested in dating a married couple.
I was even more shocked. All this information was in total opposition to what I thought I knew about the single guy I’d met on a dating app a few days prior. Then again, he had been vague when I asked where he lived and had skirted some other personal questions too.
“So let me get this straight,” I said. “You want to date me, with your wife. But you made no mention of this on your profile. You didn’t mention your wife existed or that you wanted to date as a married couple? There were no photos of her, your profile said you were single and at no point in the past few days of us speaking on WhatsApp did you think to mention that this was your intention?”
The man looked down and seemed ashamed. He made some excuses about not knowing how to approach the subject. I was annoyed by this point.
“How many other young women have you duped? You know this is kind of gross? And you’re unlikely to get what you want if you aren’t honest about what you’re looking for.” I said.
He told me that he and his wife had been drinking at another bar and that he had rushed round the corner to meet me, hoping that if we hit it off, his wife could meet us. He told me they were both nervous and seemed to be trying to win me over by getting me to feel sorry for the pair of them.
I told him I didn’t appreciate being tricked, that I didn’t want a threesome with a married couple and to enjoy his evening. I stood up and walked out, unsure what to do with the rest of my night after such a strange interaction.
The experience taught me that you should always ask what a person is looking for and what their situation is right off the bat. Politely of course. If you’re looking for different things, a relationship probably isn’t on the cards and people aren’t always honest about what they want until you put them on the spot.
Apps make it easy for people to create a version of themselves that they think seems more attractive than the real thing. At first, I thought this guy had just lied about his age but as it transpired, he’d lied about a lot more.
My worst date turned into a valuable lesson about how to use dating apps, but sadly, it was still a waste of time, and make up.
