In a time where swiping left and rate can determine your romantic fate (and Saturday night plans), nothing says “I’m interested” quite like your new match’s genitalia popping up in your inbox uninvited.
It’s the digital equivalent of showing up at your crush’s house before a first date with a bouquet of roses and nothing else — including your clothes. The intention is there – I think?- but it’s just not right.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of men who can’t seem to wrap their heads around the fact that I, a 28-year-old female, am looking for more than pictures of their unmentionables. I’m looking for a relationship.
Why is that so hard to believe?
When I first started my online dating adventures in 2015, I was a bored 18-year old who was tired of being single and spending my weekends alone. I thought that being in Canada would mean that the online dating scene was friendly…you know, since us Canadians are known for “being polite”. Little did I know what I was getting into when I set up an account on virtually every dating site/app I could find. Well, the free ones of course, because I wasn’t about to waste the money I didn’t have on silly dating subscriptions….until I did. But anyways.
Despite being an active member of everything from POF to Badoo, Tinder was where I spent most of my time. I just couldn’t get enough of the potential for a new match. At one point I had over 400 potential matches queued up and waiting for my decision — would they be a left or a right?
The matches I did make were varied: Some knew how to keep a conversation. Some were so boring that we didn’t get past the first 5 messages. And some never bothered to respond at all. But then, there were the ones that had potential but squandered it away when they decided that I needed to see their genitalia.
Tinder, being very aware of the natural tendencies of the male species, didn’t allow for users to send pictures – and thank goodness for that! The dick pics I began to receive found their way into my inbox once we had passed the awkward small-talk phase and entered the part of our discussion where numbers were exchanged, texts were inevitably ignored, and then one of us ended up getting ghosted.
The first one I ever received set the bar really high. By high, I mean low, of course. Very low. I got a notification that my phone was downloading an attachment and thinking nothing of it, clicked into the conversation I was having with my latest match-with-potential. And there it was. Right in the open. I stared! I really did. But not because it was impressive…I mean, let’s face it, there’s nothing particularly impressive about someone’s flaccid penis. Who sends a dick pic when they aren’t even “at attention” anyways?
I stared at that thing for longer than necessary, trying to figure out why. I definitely hadn’t asked for it, nor did I want it. What was I supposed to say? In hindsight, if a woman had sent a picture like that, the man would follow up with something cringe-worthy like “mmmm” or “bby ur so sexy”, but I just didn’t have it in me to pretend I enjoyed what I was looking at. My response was the block button.
And that was the pattern that I found myself in. Whether the dick pics were online or on my phone, flaccid or erect, from someone I found attractive or from someone who thought their dick pic would make me find them attractive, my response was the same.
Block. Delete.
Block. Delete.
They never got anymore interesting and never did I find myself wishing someone would send me a dick pic.
I’m 28 now and have seen more dicks than I’d like to admit, a good 75% of which I could have done without seeing.
See, the thing is, most women don’t want to see your dick. In fact, dick picks are the butt of jokes in women’s bathrooms, and the things that are shared back and forth when someone needs a good laugh after their break up.
Women don’t want to see it.
Louder for the men in the back?
I repeat. WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOUR DICK.
If you want to impress us, you’re going to have to set the bar a little higher. Try sending us a picture of your latest woodworking project, or your cousin’s fluffy dog that you love so much…pretty much anything is more impressive than your trouser snake.
